What can I say, when there is nothing that can prepare you for the moment you find out you have lost your baby?
Your little person that is growing inside your partner’s tummy, has gone.
As soon as you found out that you were to become a daddy your whole perspective, view and thoughts on life changes in an instant. You think about what it will be like all going on holiday or going out for a meal or a road trip. Then you start thinking about how you are going to afford it and is the house big enough then the car?! It’s an endless whirl pool of thought on how you are going to cope.
Then you hear those words, “oh I’m sorry but we can’t find a heart beat”. They go out to get another sonographer to just make sure that the horrific news you have just been told is for real. My head went numb I couldn’t hear anything. The second they had told us felt like an hour. All of what you and your partner were dreaming of in a split second has been smashed into a million tiny pieces. Your partner instantly feels to blame for it happening when you know all she has done is her best and it is certainly not her fault. You wrack your brain to think about what might have caused it to happen, but you can’t, nothing comes to mind. You then start thinking about how cruel life is and how this can happen? Why would you be blessed with something so precious and pure and just like that is taken away? You start to resent people who are on drugs and smoke and drink while pregnant, and deliver a healthy baby. We did everything in our power to do everything you are told to.
You come out of the hospital not really what to do or expect, and you don’t know who to turn to, but at the same time you don’t really want to do anything. Unless you have a friend or family member that has gone through the same thing, people just don’t understand. Some try and understand but say the wrong thing without knowing, and it’s not really what you need to hear but you say thank you anyway just to be polite.
I could say so much more about it, but it’s just a never-ending hole in your heart that never goes away. You are reminded all the time about it, whether it’s a song, a film, a special day or even the weather, something will always bring it back. Sometimes I find comfort in that because I never want to forget my little baby girls.
