We got married in 2009, when I was 21 and never really talked about children to start with. I was finishing university and hubby was busy with his work.
It wasn’t until 2020 that we talked about trying for children and in March 2020 we started to try, by June were over the moon when we conceived. My sister was due 2 months before me. I was so excited to share this journey with my sister. It was going to be amazing. We bought t-shirts and planned how we would announce it to everyone.
At 11 weeks I started to bleed and panicked, I did not know what to do. I went to my local emergency room twice and they finally sent me for a scan. Hubby was working miles away and so he rang my mum to ask her to take me to the hospital and had to tell her we might have lost a baby which she didn’t even know of yet.
My husband thought I was being a bit paranoid as the emergency room had already said I was OK, so he didn’t rush back from work but wanted me to go just to give me peace of mind.
My mum and I got there and I had a scan- they found the baby but no heart beat and my heart just sank. It was horrific. It was at a time of strong Covid-19 regulations, so my mum couldn’t hold my hand or hug me. I felt so numb and scared. We had to wait ages for tests and examinations and then sent home to come back the next week for a scan to see if it was just too young and hopefully a week later it would have developed a heartbeat. I rang my husband at work and it was one of the hardest things to tell him we may have lost the baby. We were told there wasn’t huge hope for it.
The next week waiting to find out for sure was horrific. We spoke to family but it was like an elephant in the room, they didn’t bring it up and neither did we. It was the most horrific week of my life and no one was talking to us. We could see a few people with restrictions as they were, but still weren’t allowed to hug each other. We had to ask everyone in the end to talk to us and fortunately some did.
My hubby and I went for the dreaded second scan. Once there, we were told there was no heart beat – the baby was not alive. We were told the week before from the scan not to hold out much hope so had spent the week preparing for the worst (although nothing truly prepares you for those words).
After hearing we had lost our baby I assumed they would just take it out there and then. We found out we would have to go home and come back in the next day to be given some tablets to induce a miscarriage. What we were experiencing was a missed-miscarriage.
We went to the hospital the next day and they gave me the tablets. We went home and waited. The pain started and got worse. My husband could see the pain I was in so went back to the hospital 45 mins away to get me a prescription from the ward for painkillers. It was the longest few hours of my life- in pain, alone and scared. My husband was incredible and he did all he could to help me, but he felt helpless.
I had a few days off work but soon went back. I didn’t want to stop and think about it. I needed the distraction of work.
We thought this was the end and our start to moving forward.
What followed was multiple infections and multiple scans. I knew something wasn’t right. We found out the baby was still there. We were so shocked!
Next we had to have minor surgery. I went in on my own (due to Covid restrictions, my husband went home). I was prepared for what was going to happen and we were ready. I got in to my gown for surgery and was about to go down. The nurse came in and gave me a tablet to induce a miscarriage so surgery would be easier.
The surgeon came in as I was due to go down and said she would not perform the surgery. She looked at the scans and said there was a chance this baby could be alive and we needed to wait a week to see if it gained a heartbeat. She thought this was a second baby and refused to perform surgery. I was adamant it couldn’t be a second baby. This was 6 months after we initially conceived and we hadn’t tried again since so it just wasn’t possible there was a 6 week baby there. The nurses and I were all baffled. I spiraled into confusion, upset, panic and shock. The nurse who originally gave me the miscarriage inducing tablets a few hours prior to this was there when the surgeon told me the news. The nurse was horrified as if this was a second baby the tablet she just gave me could have killed the baby should it have been a second one. I was totally baffled as was everyone, I couldn’t believe what was happening. I rang hubby and he was finally allowed in to the hospital. That evening we were given another scan to check everything out. Lots of staff came in and all said they weren’t in agreement with the surgeon. This was the original baby. I was relieved and so upset that it was still there, if it was alive at this point I would have been 5 months in to the pregnancy.
2 days later we went back to the hospital and finally had the surgery with hubby there to support. Going to surgery I cried the whole was and felt so sorry for the poor nurse who was with me for company while I waited in the holding bay. I climbed onto the surgery table and just couldn’t believe what was happening. All that we had been through was such an emotional rollercoaster and now it was finally going to be over. I couldn’t believe I was climbing onto a bed to have my baby removed.
After surgery I still felt as though something was wrong and pushed for another scan to make sure all was OK. They were just going to do surgery blind and wouldn’t have known if it was successful and were just hoping it was. I couldn’t believe this was how it was going to be left. No follow up appointment, no support, no nothing. Finally the scan came through clear and we could move on, process what we had been through and work out what to do next.
As the weeks and months went by my husband said he thought I needed help. I cried and cried and just felt so alone, so numb, low, flat and empty.
We started trying a few months after surgery. Every month was so hard. The week before I was due on my emotions would go through the roof. I was so desperate to conceive again, but I was so petrified of the same thing happening again. My period came and it was so sad. Not this month
Hubby suggested I spoke to someone and I reached out to H.UG. as I had heard about them and spoke to Amy who manages the charity. She offered to give me 6 free talking sessions while I went on the waiting list for counselling. I didn’t feel I could talk in a group and the one-to-one talks were so good to help express my emotions. It was so great to talk to someone how had been in a similar situation, someone who could empathise and offer words of support. These conversations really helped me through this time.
I finally got to start my counselling at Cruise which just didn’t work for me, the volunteers there were just bereavement councillors and there was no free support for people who wanted counselling specifically for miscarriages. My anxieties and sadness were not just from the death of our baby but from the fears of it all happening again and the pain of so many months of not conceiving again. I would randomly break down in tears uncontrollably and replay our story over and over in my mind. Everything I did I always had the want for a baby in my head. It never leaves. 7 months on from starting to try again the heart ache of coming on each month is still so hard.
After going through this ourselves we know so many other people have been though similar. Everyone has their own story, their own pains, their own losses. Everyone is individual and no one circumstance is the same.
So many people go through this behind closed doors with no support. I encourage people to talk out not suffer in silence.
Sarah’s story
