I found out that I was pregnant and it was a total shock. It wasn’t planned and in fact, the thought terrified me. I didn’t even get chance to get used to the idea when I was told at a scan that there was something wrong. The decision had been made for me to have a termination. I was so confused. I was upset, angry, frightened and very anxious. Nobody knew I was pregnant and I felt that the term ‘termination’ implied that I shouldn’t talk about it. So, my partner and I went to the hospital and started the process. It was the most horrendous day of my life.
The psychical and emotional pain was nothing I had ever imagined. I was made to feel like I was stupid for being so upset and heartbroken and traumatized. What I was left with was guilt as I felt like it was some kind of secret. I always think about my little baby. I’ve since had three more children and I always wonder who my baby would have been like. It has been a secret torture for years. I wasn’t offered any help or support because it was ‘my choice’ and unfortunately, I struggled mentally and it broke down my relationship.
Whatever the reason for losing a baby, I think the mental damage is so difficult to deal with. I still don’t talk about having a termination and it makes me want to scream. There must be so many others who feel the same.
